In the beginning she looked at the blank screen with the slight haze of a cigarettes smoke lightly hanging between her and her innermost thoughts... As I ponder the very meaning of a blog I also wonder, "Will this help me get something into perspective?" I believe my friends, that it shall... So the beginning is a new journey for me to take and become more at peace and more true to myself.
Life has taken many different turns for me in late. Some good, some happy, some angry, and some quite toxic. I was in a certain situation for so long that I was blinded by what I thought was the truth. I am now beginning to understand more and more about this period in my life. I was living in an advertisement. I was allowing myself to believe what I needed to pretend that I was happy. I thought that on the outside no one truly knew how retched things were. I thought that as long as I seemed happy and on the straight and narrow "American Dream" path that everyone would believe that and so would I.
Well, for those of you that know me know of course, this could be anything but the way it looked. I was living in a awful situation where I had to pretend I was happy on a daily basis, for a long time... I was so convinced by my bad influence that everything would be fine and to just ignore my inner voice that was screaming for freedom, true happiness, and overall peace in my chaotic mind.
I broke free from a very TOXIC relationship when I finally decided that I had had enough. It was not just TOXIC because of the person I shared life with at this time though. It was TOXIC because him and I were no longer meant to be. We were so happy once, when life was more simple. And when we were happy, I truly mean happy. I loved life for so long because of the precious time I spent with this man and the kindness we both bestowed upon eachother.
But as the seasons change and we age and, god forbid, mature things have a way of changing... And usually changing for the best, no matter how disguised the "best" may be. Although we had years of happiness, the time when hate, anger, jealousy, and deceit ruled seemed to trump the bright times. I found myself feeling emotions so ugly that I almost did not know who I was anymore. This scared me and made me decide to take the reins back to control my OWN life again. So, I picked up the broken pieces of myself and my life and moved on to what is turning out to be a happy and optimistic future.
Everyday, this fickle young woman faces new challenges that used to scare her. I am forced to now make decisions alone and stand by my resolutions with whatever consequences and responsibilities may follow. But now I embrace everything with a full heart and now realize that I have the inner strength to overcome any obstacle that may face me. I'm attempting to learn as much as possible and take in every life experience and see it for its worth in the grand sceme of things. Life is simply just one lesson after the next. This is one of the meanings of life in my eyes... Learning from our experiences and what we use that knowledge for in our own future.
So, now that I've rambled on for a bit and kind of lost track of my main point, I'm going to sign off for now. But the stories and rambling will only get better and better from here. So stay tuned and we can see where my thoughts will end up... Peace for now and remember to feel strong no matter what life deals you...
